Thursday, December 8, 2016

Problems You Have If You Became A Nerd Later In Life

When I was growing up I couldn't afford game systems or cable TV. So while everyone was watching anime on Toonami, I was watching Arthur's built ass preach about library cards on PBS.

So there's a few problems you encounter when you don't become a hardcore nerd until a little later in life. Biggest problem: all your friends have a massive head start on you. It's incredibly intimidating to tell a friend you've been getting into Full Metal Alchemist and them have them ask you about something from Brotherhood LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW. Bitch, they just took it off Netflix, I haven't seen that shit yet.

1. You haven't seen Yu-Gi-Oh, but you've seen Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged.

I honest to god can't imagine that the original Yu-Gi-Oh is better than Abridged. The abridged series really highlights the important things, like how gay everyone is and the fierceness of a child's card game. *angrily shuffles deck*

2. You remember Pokemon: Soul Silver vividly because it was your first Pokemon game.

I don't know about all ya'll hoes that got to play Red and Yellow, but Soul Silver was my mothafuckin' jam. It came out right as I was starting college and could afford to buy my own video games. You better believe I lined up for that shit.

3. You spend your Saturdays off catching up on old anime and sci-fi.

My other older friends spend Saturdays cleaning, playing kick ball, drinking, or playing that new Assassin's Creed game. Me? I'm elbow deep in Star Trek: Voyager. Why? BECAUSE THE NERD KINGDOM COMMANDS IT. Also I have this weird crush on B'elanna Torres...

4. Your dying words will be, "I haven't seen it yet, BUT IT'S ON MY LIST."

All the Saturdays in the world won't get you caught up on 800 episodes of One Piece. You frequently find yourself with the depressing realization that there just isn't enough time in the day to watch all the anime or read all the comics you've been meaning to. You also pride yourself in that summer that you watched all 200 episodes of Sailor Moon... and then they came out with Crystal.

5. You envy your friends' comic book collections.

"Yeah I got this vintage comic for 25 cents when I was a kid." *fervently grits teeth*

6. You might actually kill for your little brother's Pokemon card collection.

There's been quite a few times when my younger brother has gotten away with something heinous and I've wondered innocently about how much he doesn't deserve that Pokemon card stash he's got. But innocent thoughts often become SAVAGE. Where are my bungee cords?

Monday, December 5, 2016

What To Do After You Finish Buffy... Again

So you've just finished binge watching Buffy: The Vampire Slayer for the 5th time in your adult life. What the hell do you do now? Well, you could sit here, stare at this stock photo, and count all the ways it's completely inaccurate to your reality right now. Nobody's house is that white. You could start it over again until you fall asleep, hoping you'll get over it by tomorrow. You could fall into a deep pit of depression. You could do a bit of crying.

None of these options are of very sound of mind... although they all sound pretty tempting. But no, soldier. Buffy didn't defeat the first evil so you could sit in a bed of slimy tissue papers. #CALLEDOUT. 

Once you get the bad sting of finishing all of Buffy, it's easy to sit back in a bed of your own tears. But never fear! Here's three ways to cheer up a die hard Buffy fan after the caving in of Sunnydale, California.

1. Dance like a maniac to this Spotify playlist of music from The Bronze.

That's right, folks. Some benevolent creature named Jesha Stukonis compiled a playlist of over 6 hours worth of music from the hippest Sunnydale hang out. For a small town, they had some pretty bitchin' bands play on a school night.

2. Dive into the wider Buffyverse by reading the graphic novels.

That's right! Buffy continues! She lives on in the pages of beautifully drawn graphic novels. Don't worry, Joss Whedon is totally in that shit. It's from the official man himself. No nerdling could run off and leave their baby, right?

3. Find something that everyone agrees is TOTALLY binge-able so you can move on.

I know, at first it feels like cheating. But I promise that after you get into it, you'll feel better. Try Orphan Black, Stranger Things, Lost, or Wentworth (it's like the Australian Orange is the New Black). Once you feel that mad rush to press the "continue watching" button, you'll know deep down that you might one day feel happiness again.

Hopefully you'll see the light of day tomorrow knowing that there's always next year's rewatch to look forward to. Buffy proves once again that being a Scooby is more than a hobby... It's a lifestyle.